Mourning Sickness

I'm afraid that my blog must come to an extremely premature end, after only one post, we are very sad to announce that we have lost baby Starcher #3.  I might write a few more posts as we travel through this period of our life, but this is the end of the road for our little bean.

Last week we found out that I had a large subchorionic hemorrhage, which is a bleed between the placenta and the uterine wall.  The baby was visualized, heartbeat seen and heard, but we were given a 50/50 chance that the pregnancy would progress.

My hCG levels were not as high as they should be, and the baby was measuring about a week too small for dates, which we were sure about.  For about a week, we played a waiting game; I had my blood drawn often to check hCG levels, and we prayed.  We told each other everything was going to be okay.  Suspiciously missing, though, was the telltale morning sickness.

This morning we went in to see the doctor and she sent us straight up to radiology for an ultrasound.  The tech took a little time taking measurements, and then she turned to me and said; "There is no heartbeat."  The baby, whose heart was beating a mere six days ago, the december baby we had in our minds, was gone.  It hadn't even grown since my ultrasound a full week ago, which means it didn't hold on for very long after tuesday's ultrasound.  I held it together until the tech left the room, and then it was all over.  I have been crying so much today that my eyes are so dry I can barely blink.

Chris and I are devastated.  Planned or not, this baby was wanted, and to see it, perfect but completely still, was heartbreaking, if that word is even sufficient to explain the feeling.  A friend of mine who has been down this road said that she thought losing a baby is just as difficult as losing an adult, and now that I'm in this situation, I must agree.  That baby was our child, even if it was barely formed, and we loved it and anticipated it, and now we must deal with it's death.

Chris has been insistent that the baby was a girl, so we decided to give her a name, so she wasn't "it" anymore, even if we're wrong and the baby was a boy, at least there is a level of respect there for the baby that isn't going to come.  We want to be able to put together something in memory, but the truth is, we don't have anything.  The sonographers never printed out pictures for us, we don't have any baby things ready at this early point; we have nothing to put into a box just for her, so that she will always be with us, never forgotten.  I even looked into teeny tiny caskets last night; there is a website that a minister made that offers caskets for first, second, and third trimester losses.  If we happen to see the baby as I lose it, we may consider ordering one of those caskets, as closure for us and as a show of respect and love for the baby that we WANTED.  I'm not sure how we'll afford it right now, it isn't all that expensive, about $60, but we don't have room in our budget even for that.

I am on misoprostol to start the miscarriage process as my body didn't want to do it on it's own.  I'm in a lot of pain and pretty sick to my stomach; I suppose giving birth isn't easy, even if it's this early, even if it doesn't end with a crying baby in your arms.

We welcome well wishes and positive encouragement as we readjust to staying a family of four.  Thank you all so much who have given us huge amounts of support; it means so very much to us.

With all our love,
Chris & Katie