Mourning Sickness

I'm afraid that my blog must come to an extremely premature end, after only one post, we are very sad to announce that we have lost baby Starcher #3.  I might write a few more posts as we travel through this period of our life, but this is the end of the road for our little bean.

Last week we found out that I had a large subchorionic hemorrhage, which is a bleed between the placenta and the uterine wall.  The baby was visualized, heartbeat seen and heard, but we were given a 50/50 chance that the pregnancy would progress.

My hCG levels were not as high as they should be, and the baby was measuring about a week too small for dates, which we were sure about.  For about a week, we played a waiting game; I had my blood drawn often to check hCG levels, and we prayed.  We told each other everything was going to be okay.  Suspiciously missing, though, was the telltale morning sickness.

This morning we went in to see the doctor and she sent us straight up to radiology for an ultrasound.  The tech took a little time taking measurements, and then she turned to me and said; "There is no heartbeat."  The baby, whose heart was beating a mere six days ago, the december baby we had in our minds, was gone.  It hadn't even grown since my ultrasound a full week ago, which means it didn't hold on for very long after tuesday's ultrasound.  I held it together until the tech left the room, and then it was all over.  I have been crying so much today that my eyes are so dry I can barely blink.

Chris and I are devastated.  Planned or not, this baby was wanted, and to see it, perfect but completely still, was heartbreaking, if that word is even sufficient to explain the feeling.  A friend of mine who has been down this road said that she thought losing a baby is just as difficult as losing an adult, and now that I'm in this situation, I must agree.  That baby was our child, even if it was barely formed, and we loved it and anticipated it, and now we must deal with it's death.

Chris has been insistent that the baby was a girl, so we decided to give her a name, so she wasn't "it" anymore, even if we're wrong and the baby was a boy, at least there is a level of respect there for the baby that isn't going to come.  We want to be able to put together something in memory, but the truth is, we don't have anything.  The sonographers never printed out pictures for us, we don't have any baby things ready at this early point; we have nothing to put into a box just for her, so that she will always be with us, never forgotten.  I even looked into teeny tiny caskets last night; there is a website that a minister made that offers caskets for first, second, and third trimester losses.  If we happen to see the baby as I lose it, we may consider ordering one of those caskets, as closure for us and as a show of respect and love for the baby that we WANTED.  I'm not sure how we'll afford it right now, it isn't all that expensive, about $60, but we don't have room in our budget even for that.

I am on misoprostol to start the miscarriage process as my body didn't want to do it on it's own.  I'm in a lot of pain and pretty sick to my stomach; I suppose giving birth isn't easy, even if it's this early, even if it doesn't end with a crying baby in your arms.

We welcome well wishes and positive encouragement as we readjust to staying a family of four.  Thank you all so much who have given us huge amounts of support; it means so very much to us.

With all our love,
Chris & Katie

We get some unexpected news!

As I did with Avalina, I am going to blog my way through the latest adventure in my life; pregnancy number 3. I hadn't had a period since January and figured my body still hadn't quite readjusted to life without either being pregnant or nursing Lina. I randomly decided to take a test I had lying around forever, one of those ClearBlue Digital ones that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I was sure this test would come back negative, so I sat there watching the little hourglass symbol blink while the test analyzed. I noticed it was taking an awfully long time and started to get a little nervous; then the hourglass stopped blinking and there it was: Pregnant. Out loud I said, "oh, my god", and I yelled for Chris. I opened the bathroom door just a slit and handed the test to him. I finished up in the bathroom and opened the door to find Chris sitting on the floor right outside the bathroom, staring at the test. We were in shock. I think I stared off into space for the remainder of the day. Chris and I knew we wanted more kids, but not yet!

The next day a trip to the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. I am due to deliver on December 3rd, 2011. Chris and I have a lot to figure out before then. First off, we got rid of most of our baby stuff, so we will need to spend a bit of money preparing. We will be moving in august, either to a bigger place around here or to Sterling Heights, where we have better access to childcare. We need to trade the four seater Honda for something bigger. I may need to transfer to Oakland University. So much to think about, so many decisions to make.

I have a few hopes for this pregnancy; that it be as comfortable as possible, that the morning sickness is manageable, that I carry to term, go into labor spontaneously, have a successful VBAC, that the first place my baby is laid is onto my chest, and that the baby comes home with me. That's not too tall an order, right?